The Fastest Way to Find Your True Values
“Peace of mind comes when you are in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way.”
Living true to our values is foundational for a meaningful and fulfilling life. This is the core message that I have consistently seen and heard from every self-help guru ranging from business consultants, neuroscientists, psychologists, and spiritual teachers. While this simple concept rings true to me, I found it really hard to implement effectively.
The main reason is that I didn’t know how to identify my true values. I did see that I wasn’t living them, and it was a significant source of my unproductive anxiety and overthinking.
Some helpful advice is to look at a list of values and pick those that resonate with you. In her book, Dare to Lead, Bene Brown even gives a great list of values and recommends choosing only two to keep you focused. This is a great starting point. You can do a google search and find tons of lists of values if you don’t have a Dare to Lead copy.
I went through the list, picked my two, and then asked if I picked the right two. As if this was the moment in time that will determine my demise or destiny. It was the classic game show dilemma. If I pick door number 1, is it a Ferrari or a donkey? What about door number 2?
Picking the “right” ones had me totally in my head. Then I wanted three because two didn’t feel like enough. Indeed, out of three, I would get one right.
I finally picked three and felt nothing—no burst of energy or ah-ha moment. I questioned if they were really the top true values that fuel me. It felt like I was missing something.
A couple years later, I was in a workshop held by Melissa Davis of Values to Brand, and she asked a question around identifying values that finally hit home for me.
What fires you up? That’s right, what drives you crazy, makes you angry, or gets the blood boiling as these are values that are challenged. The whole room, including myself, lit up and found their values in probably under 5 minutes flat.
Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash
She had us think back to those vivid moments in our life where we had a conflict with others and identify statements or situations that really fire us up. Let’s face it, there are just some people we don’t mesh well with, and it is ok! We are human.
This could be our personal experiences or things we witness through TV, social media, radio, etc. Since 2020 has given us a whole slew of things to be fired up about, we have plenty of inspiration!
After I listed these sources of frustration, I thought about what specifically impacted me. I started to see patterns in the common characteristics and attributes among the identified statements, situations, and behaviors. Then when I looked at the list of values, they started flying off the page at me! Here is one of my examples.
I have a tough time with tradition and staying stagnant. Hearing the words, “We always have done it this way,” can really get me going!
When I looked at the values list with this example, I found two of my true values: transformation and innovation. Then I thought about my positive habits around these values to confirm that they are valid for me.
I’m absolutely obsessed with learning and making things better in new and different ways. I love a good transformation story on TV. I could watch Fixer Upper for 18 hours straight.
I also picked a third that came out in the exercise, which was belonging. This one has a special place in my heart. When I see people feeling separate or when I feel disconnected, it really hurts and makes me want to act. This is also especially true for animals that are not seen as valuable or cared for.
If you are having trouble finding your top 2 - 3 true values, try asking yourself and reflecting on what fires you up over the next week. Looking at what fires you up tends to be easier to feel, which gives you direct feedback on if it is something meaningful to you.
If nothing immediately comes up, try asking someone who knows you well where they see you get fired up. Maybe your reaction is not full-on rage, but you definitely start to perk up or get much more engaged. I will share how living to your true values can get you unstuck and in more control to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life in future posts.
Go Do it. Just Start. Take Control. Report Back.
Jess
Bert’s Take: When examining what fires my dog Bert up, the values we found were: Curiosity, Adventure, and Risk Taking. This is where he gets sassy when these values are challenged!
Photo by Emma Matthews Digital Content Production on Unsplash
